My eyes continue to be opened to the wonders of Life. I have felt on my heart for some time now that everything is “opposite” – opposite of what we think or realize. As most of you know I have had quite a journey my entire life not just relating to my health but through things I never thought personally I would find myself in the middle of (again opposite of anything I thought – never say never!!!). After my miracles and I was given what I thought was “life” back, let me tell you I went WAY off track. I do not know who I had become – I will just say I did everything to destroy my marriage, my family – my life. I found myself out drinking it up (staying out all night, making less than good decisions) when I would be out of town … who had I become? How could I sit there filling my bed with tears feeling completely out of control for behaviors that I never thought I would fall into but yet was so easily enticed and lured in – how could the “world” have so much influence and power over me?

Then I would go through the guilt of the realization of all God had done in my life (MIRACLES, I had so many MIRACLES!), and how it seemed I was this uncaring, calloused shell of a human being spitting in God’s face and all those closest to me who had done so much for me. I would cry out in those moments, “Why God, Why am I doing this? HOW COULD I DO THIS? This is not me, please God help me – I do not want to do this!” but yet as if being under a spell, time and time again I would find myself right where I did not want to be. I felt completely helpless. A grown adult who loved God so much found herself lost like a little child who was lured away by all of the cool clothes racks to hide under. Then suddenly amongst all that fun, the moment happens where that 7 year old finds herself in the middle of the mall, LOST crying out “Where’s my Daddy? I am so scared!” Never realizing I was drifting off in the first place because I had the perspective that I, the girl with so much faith and love in her heart, could never find herself so far off and away from God. It was not a pretty time in my life and for sure what I call “my veil moment” – the moment in life I wanted to hide behind forever.

Everyone has their veil moment or moments and let me tell you the world does everything to convince you to stay behind that veil because currently it is so judging, unloving and critical. If you believe in God the prescription of judgment eyeglasses that others wear are certainly turned up a notch as if they are looking at you through magnifying glasses. Somehow they lose sight of the fact that you are human just like them and that we go through “life” to become the person we were born to be. It is the whole reason why we need God!

There are some hard lessons on that journey, very hard but it is amazing once you emerge out of the dark tunnel after focusing on the light at the end for so many years. Every tear becomes worth it and it all comes together as to “why” you faced the veil moments. During my dark times my sister (and brother-in-law) saw how lost I had become but you know they did not judge me, they loved me, they prayed for me and because of them crying out for me God reached His very hand down and pulled me out of that darkness. God taught me how critical it is to focus my eyes on Him first and foremost above all things in this world, yes that includes my family, friends, job … everything!

There is a song I heard a year ago or so that brings tears to my eyes and sums up the current state of the world. It is called “Does Anybody Hear Her?” By Counting Crows (here is the link you can listen to it for free and no it should not give you any viruses – http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#does%20anybody%20hear%20her). It’s about a girl running one hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction, trying to go the other way but the world was sucking her in but did anyone even notice? One of the verses is:

Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

It is sad but the people couldn’t see past what she was doing (i.e. her mistakes) and instead of loving her, praying for her, they judged her when she was there crying out HELP ME!!! As a result of this type of culture, the suicide rates especially amongst the youth is raising at a rate that makes me cry. And it does NOT have to be this way! God said something to me a couple of weeks ago which is so important, He said if anyone decides to put on and wear eyeglasses of judgment they need to ensure they try them on first and take a good look in the mirror. Amen to that!

See guys, we have all had those moments in our lives so not a single person has any right to turn to another to cast a stone but yet we live in a society who does nothing but stone people to death and thinks it “is their right”. Truly, everything is opposite of what we know as reality. THIS IS NOT THE WAY GOD INTENDED IT TO BE. It is time for a change and it starts with us. Let’s walk forward in Love understanding we go through all of those things, all of those tears to bring us to a point in life where all impurity, judgment, bitterness, etc. has been weeded out of our hearts so when we look in the mirror we only see Love (a true reflection of Christ) looking back at us – that is the moment when our Life truly begins. We then can take all of those hurts and instead of hiding behind the veil, it is torn down allowing us to become transparent so we can help the next lost little girl who feels like she is all alone in the world because no one else could have done such a horrible thing or been in such a dark place. That moment of unconditional love when we take the strength and love we were taught by carrying that cross of imperfections/mistakes to embrace another saying, “I’ve been there. You will get through this and most importantly I love you no matter what.” THAT is real Love and the moment the world and darkness has to pry its cold fingers of death off of us because Love never fails, never. Here is a short poem God put on my heart this past weekend that really sums it all up.

One Moment

It’s that one moment in time when a hand reaches out of nowhere to bring into our very being the beginning of Life.

It is the one moment all your tears come together to form a beautiful cascade of clear flowing water.

One moment, “the” moment when suddenly the light turns on and you find yourself standing in front of a mirror that you had no idea was even there.

You walk up, put your palms flat to the glass and there staring back at you is Love. It is no longer far off in the distance but right there, a beautiful reflection of you.

It’s “your” moment and when Life truly begins.

By: Sandi Rauwolf, 10/03/09

What’s your veil moment, the one that you feel you have to hide behind but someone in your path today may desperately need your experience to pull them out of that darkness – to give them hope and also the transparency needed to bring you complete healing and freedom? May God bless you and may you allow Him to use your imperfections/mistakes to help another. May you embrace someone who is so desperately crying out, feeling lost and needs Love not judgment. May you come to “your” moment when Life truly begins.

Love to you all!

Sandi Rauwolf
Author, Blessings Too Good

Well I understand, trust me. I was there once too! Despite feeling I was blessed with the gift of faith from the time I was a little girl, I still felt empty inside and continually sought something but what was I seeking exactly? I would use everything to try and fill that horrible emptiness. And despite an incredible life there was still a void in my heart. I would shout in my head I just don’t get it, Lord! Why do I feel so empty inside? What am I missing? So at different times throughout my life, out in the world I would go to try to fill that emptiness with …

Shopping – boy did I fill my closet with clothes, shoes, purses, make-up – pretty much anything I could buy especially if it was on sale! :) … still felt empty!

Career – I would delve myself into hours of work trying to please my customers and everyone around me but felt nothing I would do was ever good enough for anyone … still felt empty!

Alcohol – Oh I shamefully indulged (and even some of the times in excess) my share of Bacardi and Diet Cokes, and Martinis. Certainly not a proper thing to do especially for a young lady but I would indagate the answer thru the newest drink fad … still felt empty!

Relationships – I sure kissed my share of toads that is for sure! I would go on dates with guys that seemed to be perfect on paper (well some not so perfect and much more towards the bad boy syndrome side of things). I would also fill every spare minute with friends and family but not one of them filled the void … still felt empty!

Church – I thought for sure this was THE answer! Unfortunately, the churches I attended at the time didn’t fit for me. I still felt empty so found myself going to church out of obligation instead of excitement. And truthfully, when I would go to church, I often didn’t feel I was good ENOUGH. I am far from perfect and the people there seemed to have an air about them that made me feel unworthy. As Christians, aren’t we suppose to love one another unconditionally and not judge others? God is our judge and we will stand before Him so why did I feel a church judging me? Or better asked, why were people part of a church judging me, a lost soul? Isn’t a church a place for lost souls to find their way to God? And sadly unbeknown to them, the religion thing was sure doing a good job of pushing me away – far away from God. It certainly did not make me want to seek God more that is for sure. I don’t know but I knew it just wasn’t working for me … still felt empty!

Bible – Ah Ha! The answer had to be in here! I would dig into the Bible (countless times) but to my surprise I would end up getting frustrated because I didn’t understand it. I would feel lost and confused – none of it made any sense to me. I would read something and think – how does this relate to me, Lord? I don’t get it! … still felt empty!

I was seeking anything and everything to try and fill that void in my heart – that horrible feeling of emptiness! WHAT IS THE ANSWER? I prayed and cried, I STILL FEEL EMPTY, LORD! Please help me!

Then God began to open my eyes and my heart to the REAL answer. The REAL answer is not found in malls, bars, churches or religion. The answer is having a REAL relationship with God. You may be thinking, well wait a minute Sandi that is what I have in church and with my religion. I used to think the same thing but … is that really a relationship with God or is it doing something(s) to make it seem like I had a relationship with God? Let’s just say I was a good pretender.

I realized I needed to welcome God into my life. I needed to learn to have a REAL relationship with Him. So I started thinking of God as my best friend who would never leave my side, who I loved more than anything in this world, who I knew would always give me good guidance and never leave my side, who I wanted to share every part of my life with even the parts I am not so proud of because I know He will love me no matter what and will help me to become the person I am suppose to be. God became the center of my life, the center of my heart and filled every last inch of emptiness. All of the rest just followed. I found a church that helped me grow and continues to help me grow my relationship with God. I find that each week I cannot wait to get there to feed my soul. I can’t get my hands on enough good books like The Shack that helps feed my soul during the week. I can’t wait to serve and help others because it fills my soul so much! I am finally understanding the Bible and as silly as it sounds, I didn’t know there was a Bible for people just like me that was written in everyday language that I understand – the Life Application Bible. It is awesome!

I have to say living life with God as my true best friend has changed everything for me. It’s the REAL secret in life and I wish someone would have shared it with me long ago so that is why I want to share it with you, my friends. I lost myself in the facade of religion. I didn’t seek and have a REAL relationship with God. He is waiting for you to ask Him to become your best friend too. It’s amazing how your life changes once you do. Blessings and hugs!!!

Sandi

PS While I was writing my blog the song “Broken” by Jack Johnson started playing and I thought how wonderful God is that He would allow the timing of lyrics that are so perfect to how we feel before a true relationship with Him … Broken so I wanted to share them below.

Broken
(Song by Jack Johnson)

With everything ahead of us, we left
everything behind
but nothin that we needed at least
not at this time and now
the feelin that I’m feelin, well
is feelin like my life is finally mine
and with nothin to go back to
we just continue to drive

Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side

I didn’t know what I was lookin for so I
didn’t know what I’d find
I didn’t know what I was missin I guess
You’d been just a little too kind
and if I find just what I need
put a little peace in my mind
maybe you been lookin too
or maybe you don’t even need to try

Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side

(instrumental interlude)

With everything in the past
fadin faster and faster until it was gone
found out I was losin so much more
than I knew all along

But everything I been workin for
only worth nickels and dimes
but if I had a minute for every hour that I wasted
I’d be rich and kind
I’d be doin fine

Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side

Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side