09.25.08
Posted in Challenges and Strengths, Lost My Way, Relationship at 5:05 pm by Sandi Rauwolf
I have had some great conversations with people lately about religion, church, rules and faith. During my discussions whether it has been thru email, face-to-face or over the phone what seems prominent as the common thread is that most share this innate desire to fill a void in their hearts but not sure how to go about it. Mainly, because they are not sure exactly what is missing. What is the answer? How can it be that so many people are proud of their religion but when it comes down to how they feel inside, they regretfully admit “a bit overwhelmed with life, a bit empty”. So we stand there scratching our heads and trying to make sense of it all. Aren’t church and religion supposed to help with all of that? We think I’m going to church. I’m trying to be good – why do I feel so empty inside?
Well I understand, trust me. I was there once too! Despite feeling I was blessed with the gift of faith from the time I was a little girl, I still felt empty inside and continually sought something but what was I seeking exactly? I would use everything to try and fill that horrible emptiness. And despite an incredible life there was still a void in my heart. I would shout in my head I just don’t get it, Lord! Why do I feel so empty inside? What am I missing? So at different times throughout my life, out in the world I would go to try to fill that emptiness with …
Shopping – boy did I fill my closet with clothes, shoes, purses, make-up – pretty much anything I could buy especially if it was on sale! :) … still felt empty!
Career – I would delve myself into hours of work trying to please my customers and everyone around me but felt nothing I would do was ever good enough for anyone … still felt empty!
Alcohol – Oh I shamefully indulged (and even some of the times in excess) my share of Bacardi and Diet Cokes, and Martinis. Certainly not a proper thing to do especially for a young lady but I would indagate the answer thru the newest drink fad … still felt empty!
Relationships – I sure kissed my share of toads that is for sure! I would go on dates with guys that seemed to be perfect on paper (well some not so perfect and much more towards the bad boy syndrome side of things). I would also fill every spare minute with friends and family but not one of them filled the void … still felt empty!
Church – I thought for sure this was THE answer! Unfortunately, the churches I attended at the time didn’t fit for me. I still felt empty so found myself going to church out of obligation instead of excitement. And truthfully, when I would go to church, I often didn’t feel I was good ENOUGH. I am far from perfect and the people there seemed to have an air about them that made me feel unworthy. As Christians, aren’t we suppose to love one another unconditionally and not judge others? God is our judge and we will stand before Him so why did I feel a church judging me? Or better asked, why were people part of a church judging me, a lost soul? Isn’t a church a place for lost souls to find their way to God? And sadly unbeknown to them, the religion thing was sure doing a good job of pushing me away – far away from God. It certainly did not make me want to seek God more that is for sure. I don’t know but I knew it just wasn’t working for me … still felt empty!
Bible – Ah Ha! The answer had to be in here! I would dig into the Bible (countless times) but to my surprise I would end up getting frustrated because I didn’t understand it. I would feel lost and confused – none of it made any sense to me. I would read something and think – how does this relate to me, Lord? I don’t get it! … still felt empty!
I was seeking anything and everything to try and fill that void in my heart – that horrible feeling of emptiness! WHAT IS THE ANSWER? I prayed and cried, I STILL FEEL EMPTY, LORD! Please help me!
Then God began to open my eyes and my heart to the REAL answer. The REAL answer is not found in malls, bars, churches or religion. The answer is having a REAL relationship with God. You may be thinking, well wait a minute Sandi that is what I have in church and with my religion. I used to think the same thing but … is that really a relationship with God or is it doing something(s) to make it seem like I had a relationship with God? Let’s just say I was a good pretender.
I realized I needed to welcome God into my life. I needed to learn to have a REAL relationship with Him. So I started thinking of God as my best friend who would never leave my side, who I loved more than anything in this world, who I knew would always give me good guidance and never leave my side, who I wanted to share every part of my life with even the parts I am not so proud of because I know He will love me no matter what and will help me to become the person I am suppose to be. God became the center of my life, the center of my heart and filled every last inch of emptiness. All of the rest just followed. I found a church that helped me grow and continues to help me grow my relationship with God. I find that each week I cannot wait to get there to feed my soul. I can’t get my hands on enough good books like The Shack that helps feed my soul during the week. I can’t wait to serve and help others because it fills my soul so much! I am finally understanding the Bible and as silly as it sounds, I didn’t know there was a Bible for people just like me that was written in everyday language that I understand – the Life Application Bible. It is awesome!
I have to say living life with God as my true best friend has changed everything for me. It’s the REAL secret in life and I wish someone would have shared it with me long ago so that is why I want to share it with you, my friends. I lost myself in the facade of religion. I didn’t seek and have a REAL relationship with God. He is waiting for you to ask Him to become your best friend too. It’s amazing how your life changes once you do. Blessings and hugs!!!
Sandi
PS While I was writing my blog the song “Broken” by Jack Johnson started playing and I thought how wonderful God is that He would allow the timing of lyrics that are so perfect to how we feel before a true relationship with Him … Broken so I wanted to share them below.
Broken
(Song by Jack Johnson)
With everything ahead of us, we left
everything behind
but nothin that we needed at least
not at this time and now
the feelin that I’m feelin, well
is feelin like my life is finally mine
and with nothin to go back to
we just continue to drive
Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
I didn’t know what I was lookin for so I
didn’t know what I’d find
I didn’t know what I was missin I guess
You’d been just a little too kind
and if I find just what I need
put a little peace in my mind
maybe you been lookin too
or maybe you don’t even need to try
Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
(instrumental interlude)
With everything in the past
fadin faster and faster until it was gone
found out I was losin so much more
than I knew all along
But everything I been workin for
only worth nickels and dimes
but if I had a minute for every hour that I wasted
I’d be rich and kind
I’d be doin fine
Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
Without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you I was broken
but I’d rather be broke down with you by my side
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09.16.08
Posted in Why at 11:48 pm by Sandi Rauwolf
God keeps surrounding me with conversations of adversity – that topic always seems to come up, doesn’t it? Whether we, a friend, a family member, a coworker, or a complete stranger are staring adversity in the face, this particular topic tends to rear its ugly head and before we know it out comes … WHY?
WHY me/them?
WHY would a loving God allow me/them to face such challenges?
WHY isn’t God answering my prayers?
WHY isn’t God listening?
WHY would He allow such bad things to happen to such good people?
WHY?!? WHY?!? WHY?!?
So how does God feel when He hears His children ask WHY so many times? Is He angry? Is He frustrated because we just don’t seem to be “getting” it? Or instead is His heart filled with love and patience knowing the WHY stage is critical to our spiritual journey? It must be similar to a loving parent of a toddler that seems to only have one word in his vocabulary … WHY. If you have been around little ones, whether they are your own children, nieces, nephews, or a friend’s little ones, we are all familiar with the WHY stage.
Looking back now, I fully understand how critical those years were to developing my children on this path to maturity. When Ty would ask WHY mommy, I would pause and smile at his innocence. He thought he was so grown up, but there he stood not quite mature enough to understand the things surrounding him – things that were so easily understood and clear to me but yet just outside of his mental grasp. It would fill my heart with love while I patiently guided him on a path that taught him some very valuable lessons.
Some of the WHYs brought disappointments, some joy but the most important WHYs were the WHYs that brought painful lessons. Those particular WHYs were shortly followed by a sudden test of independence when he thought he had it all figured out and didn’t trust completely in mom just yet. I mean. Why did he need mom when he could do this on his own, or so he thought. That independence and the painful lessons that followed allowed him to discover how deep my love is for him and helped him realize that my guidance is there to help him and protect him not hurt him in any way. I did not cause the pain for him, his independence caused the pain.
But that streak of independence is part of growing up so although I could have stopped it, I didn’t. Yes, I wanted to prevent him from falling but my love for him is so great that I had to let him learn the lessons that were necessary to help him trust in me. Instead, I would patiently watch with loving guidance while he tested those boundaries – all which led him back into my loving arms. Those moments when he fell were the exact moments that taught him how much he needed me. As much as he thought he could do things on his own, he realized he could not so would turn back to me for guidance, love and support. Those painful moments were necessary in teaching him to trust me, my love and guidance for him.
Isn’t that the same way God feels as He looks at us with loving guidance not wanting us to fall but knowing that independence is part of helping us mature. He didn’t cause the pain but He allows it because He loves us. In life, those falls teach us so much and are critical to our growth. So whether you are just beginning the WHY stage or are right in the middle of it, consider each adversity pure joy (1 James 2:4). I know that is a hard concept to wrap your head around but after going through all I did, it now makes complete sense to me. Without adversity, I would not have learned to persevere. I would not have been forced to turn to God as my last and only hope.
Every challenge I faced, every tear I shed brought me one step closer to my relationship with God. I found that infallibly when I hit bottom, I truly had no place else to look but up. My faith strengthened with every single tear and every painful lesson. I am so grateful that God loves me enough that He allowed me to gain such a strength and perseverance through those lessons although at the time, I did not understand them and was no stranger to that WHY stage myself.
Today though, I honestly would not change a single second of those painful moments I faced. WHY? I am more than blessed to be in this particular WHY stage of understanding just how important each of those moments were to my growth – each brought me one step closer to the person God made me to be and it’s incredible! :) May you open your heart and mind to what God may be doing through any adversities you might be facing today – with a new perspective of His love for you. Blessings and love!
Sandi
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09.09.08
Posted in Love, Self Reflection, Simplicity at 6:18 pm by Sandi Rauwolf
God is AMAZING and so incredibly good! He continues to overflow my heart with so much that it is difficult to describe. My heart feels more than “fluffy” these days, descriptive to how my daughter explains what her heart feels like when she loves something so much her heart could burst!
Those of you who know me understand that my belief is all about the LOVE … for without LOVE, there is nothing. It’s the premise of everything we do, everything we live, and everything we strive to be. Sure I am faced with arguments of it being more about the Truth with attempts to get me to remove my rose colored glasses but then God continues to send me something confirming how much it is about the LOVE. No matter what we face, if we would just fill our hearts with LOVE, we suddenly find ourselves enswathed with the opportunity to see the world through God’s eyes. And, it is magnificent – it changes every aspect of our lives going forward, changing us forever.
Imagine pure LOVE in our hearts for all that surrounds us, all who cross our paths. Pure LOVE giving us the ability to have God’s eyes just for one second. When we do, it’s as if we have put on magical glasses – glasses that allow us to walk through life living in the way God intended – with a LOVE filled heart for the world … for everything and everyone in it. There’s no judgment of others (Matthew 7:2), no grudges (Leviticus 19:18), no hate (Luke 6:27) … nothing that is unforgivable (Matthew 6:15). Everything that we are surrounded with suddenly looks different despite the fact that the same scenery has been surrounding us for years. That LOVE is what begins to change us and continues to change us. It is the foundation for all that follows.
It’s similar to how our perspective changes once we become parents. Our hearts are NEVER the same after we are blessed with a child. One of my close friends in Philadelphia was just sharing that exact feeling with me after the birth of their Angel baby, Evy. Our hearts become filled with unconditional, pure LOVE for this beautiful little miracle who stares back at us with the same unconditional, pure LOVE – a LOVE that is so new, so innocent, so perfect that we can actually “feel” God because it permeates our soul. Life will never be the same – we now see things differently.
The children that once annoyed us by being too noisy while we were trying to have a nice dinner, or the kid that frustrated us beyond belief bumping up against our arm every time he would run up and down the aisle on the train (you know the one … exactly! The one your mind drifts off for a minute to think, I outta! lol). But, now our heart feels differently and our perspective is completely new. We no longer look at them as annoying little rug rats. Instead our mind flashes back to a moment we have shared with our little one. Suddenly, a smile creeps across our face. We shake our head and go back to reading our newspaper with a LOVE filled heart being reminded that not long ago a moment like this would have ruined our day, but now ironically, we embrace that moment and hold onto it throughout our day to ease any frustration that might come our way.
My friends, if we have LOVE in our hearts it truly does change everything. I can’t think of a better way to live my life than with a heart filled with LOVE. Why is that people ask? It’s because God “is” LOVE. So again, without LOVE (without Him) there truly is nothing.
Without Love (There Is Nothing)
Elvis Presley
(Words & music by Danny Small )
I awakened this morning, I was filled with despair
All my dreams turned to ashes and gone, oh yeah
As I looked at my life it was barren and bare
Without love I’ve had nothing at all
Without love I’ve had nothing
Without love I’ve had nothing at all
I have conquered the world
All but one thing did I have
Without love I’ve had nothing at all
Once I had a sweetheart who loved only me
There was nothing, oh that she would not give, oh no
But I was blind to her goodness and I could not see
That a heart without love cannot live
Without love I’ve had nothing
Without love I’ve had nothing at all
I have conquered the world
All but one thing did I have
Without love I’ve had nothing at all
May you fill your heart with LOVE and see the world and everyone in it through God’s eyes – just for one second. Lots of LOVE!
Sandi
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